Missions
So I think this privatizing is the first step in self-discovery. I want to make that a focus this year, especially after I graduate. I don't think I'll un-privatize it, or maybe I'll wait till I graduate. We'll see.

Fern is right. I do need to know myself better. And I promise to be willing. I promise myself. And I need to remember, I am a good person. I must not be afraid of what I'll find. And I must remember that people care about me. And that in doing so my actions affect them. I can't simply say it is their fault for caring, that's insensitive. I need to remember that all of these actions mean something, more than just a story to tell after.

I realized one thing just now- I've only ever had visions of my own future twice. The first time about 4 years ago, when I was choosing whether to go to WashU or UChicago. I saw myself flourishing at WashU, being the social butterfly I've always wanted to be, always smiling. And I saw myself at UChicago, becoming very strong, a cheerful introvert. And I chose WashU. I trusted my instincts. It seemed "randomness" at the time, but they were my instincts. I'm glad I did. It was what I needed at the time. My vision now is the second one. Being by myself and knowing myself better. I know I'll meet Fern again, when I've done more self-discovery. We'll get along then, on an adult level. And I know I can't meet her again until I'm ready.

I need to just know, that people love me. And do that without them constantly saying so or being nice or giving affection. I need to not need that to know they love me. I need to also not need them all to love me, but that's another story. Maybe then I wouldn't need hugs, but just like them all the same. For if you love something when you don't need it, it's truer. It's why I tear up when someone gives me another chance when they've got no reason to need to.

I need to respect people's time and feelings. If we're going to have a long talk that brings them nothing, I shouldn't make it take longer than it needs to. If we'll never come to an agreement, it might be best to end there before things get ugly. I thanked Fern for her time, and for the first time maybe, I meant it fully and genuinely.

So yeah- that's what I'm doing now. I'm going to find myself. I think once I graduate I'm going to have to go somewhere. Where people don't know me. And not let them know me until I know me.